Thursday, November 6, 2014


 Had another anxiety attack last night after posting another song. I am trying to figure out why it is so hard to share my music. As I was thinking about it this morning, it dawned on me , that my music comes from somewhere deep inside of me, and letting you all see right into my very soul is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I always have thought that I wore my heart on my sleeve, but until now I have realized I have been holding back a huge part of me. Here's to learning, growing, and doing hard things.


Wednesday, March 5, 2014

"Normal People"

 Last Sunday I bore my testimony in church. My heart was so full. Having heard the previous Brother's and Sister's who had born their testimonies, really reminded me of why I love Centerville, this neighborhood and the Centerville 7th ward.
 One particular sister stood and bore her testimony which such honesty. She had said that while her children were such a blessing in her life, that sometimes it was really hard to be a mom. She spoke of how mom's all around her often say how much they love being a mom, and  how their children are their world's. It's not very often when you hear other mother's talk about the hardship's, and trials you go through as a parent. She said that sometimes life just sucks, and it's really hard.
 Anyone who knows me personally, knows that I am an open book. I speak from my heart, and I don't like pretending that life is always perfect. The truth of the matter is, life is hard, and it does "suck" sometimes. We all have our trials, and sometimes they are very hard. I know this first hand. I have had my share of hardships, and yet I never want to forget those experiences. I have learned so much from every trial I have been through. At times I have felt alone, scared, depressed, anxious, angry, and even suicidal. I have been through each one of these emotions many times throughout my life.
  You probably are wondering why I named this post " Normal People." I started referring to people that are outwardly honest, and who share their life experiences as "Normal People." None of us on this earth are perfect. Why are we trying so hard to pretend that our lives are perfect?  We all have hardships, and trials. Life is not perfect! There is no "Perfect" mom, or person. Why do we compare ourselves to other's? We all have our strengths and weaknesses.
   The last few years, I have realized that talking to other's about my trials and hardship's has been good for me. Many people are surprised to learn about some of things I have gone through. I have received so much support from others. That has been a huge blessing in my life. What I didn't realize, was that by sharing some of my experiences with others, that I wasn't alone. People that I shared with, started to open up as well, and it was amazing to hear that so many other people had gone through some of the same challenges. Suddenly there was a bond there. I share this because it is my hope and prayer that we can love and strengthen one another. Sometimes telling our own story can hit home to another person. We can also share what we have learned through our experiences from these trials. There are hidden blessings that come from going through trials, and hardships. It is my hope that we will lift each other's burdens, that we will share our experiences with one another, and that we will never feel as if nobody understands what we are going through. Our Heavenly Father, and Savior Jesus Christ are always there, but when we need a friend, let's reach out to our fellow brothers and sisters. Let's have more "Normal People" in our lives.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

It's Nothing Short of a Miracle!

 It's been an interesting last 6 months since my brain surgery. The 6 weeks week after the surgery are a bit of a blur to me , but I do remember the kindness and love that I felt from so many people. Dinner's were brought in, friends took my younger children for play dates, my older kids stepped it up taking care of the house, and my loving husband took weeks off of work to tend to me. Steve was there anytime I needed anything. I wasn't in a whole lot of pain. Steve made sure to stay on top of my medication to ensure that I would be as comfortable as possible. He said I slept the entire 1st week after the surgery. He missed me, and when I started to get better, he said he was so glad to be able to have a conversation with me again. I was surprised when he told me that it had been a week already. He also said, "It was the hardest week of my life." He was a single dad of 5, and even though we were getting so much help, he still felt a bit overwhelmed.

 After 4 weeks, I felt good enough to go camping in our trailer. I HAD to get out of the house and breathe in some nature. It was also was our 17th anniversary. I thought I would just sit in a chair outside of the trailer and soak up some much need rays from the sun. After the first day of camping I began to feel some energy. I asked Steve to take me on a short walk. My loving sweet husband made me a walking stick to help with my balance, and off we went. He was concerned to take me too far, but I felt better and better as I kept going. I shocked him when I decided to cross the river we were hiking beside. I remember seeing lots of fishing holes that I was dying to fish. I truly found a renewed energy that I hadn't had in weeks. To me it was the best anniversary ever! I cried because of the overwhelming feelings of gratitude that I felt for this beautiful world we live in, for the kindness of my husband, and that I didn't have anymore headaches.

 After six weeks, I had a follow-up Appointment with my brain surgeon. I was feeling great! I had almost all range of motion back in my neck, I hadn't had any headaches, or dizziness. My life had completely changed. Dr .Schmidt was completely amazed at how fast I had recovered. I was grateful to him that I just wanted to wrap my arms around him, and thank him from the bottom of my heart. He changed my life.

 My summer was disappearing quickly because of the 6 weeks I had lost in recovering, and I was anxious to have some fun. I asked my Doc when I could resume normal activities, and he told me that I was doing so well that I could do whatever I felt like doing. He stressed that I take it slow in building back up my endurance. I was elated!

  That next weekend I wanted to go on a short hike up in the mountains behind our home. Steve thought I was nuts! We made a goal to only go a short distance, but when I got there, I wanted to hike further. Every goal for the next spot was accomplished until I had hiked and jogged 6 miles! Steve laughed and shook his head in joy and surprise watching me. I had done so well that we started to plan a 10 mile hike in the San Rafael Swells the next month. People were concerned that I was being so ambitious, but assured them that I was doing amazing. Heavenly Father heard the prayers of all those who were praying for me, and it turned into a miracle.

 I look back today 6 months later in amazement of the blessings I have received. I have a new life! I still have some other health issues, but I feel so much better than I ever thought I would. I am able to accomplish whatever I put my mind to, and I LOVE IT!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Looking Ahead

 It's been a interesting couple of weeks, accompanied with lots of emotions. I have been living with Vertigo and daily migraines for the last 6 months with no relief from medications. I have had migraines and dizziness for many years, but not to the extent that I have had recently. I can tell you that I know my Heavenly Father is watching over me, and that My Savior knows what I have been going through. In a last resort to hopefully find a answer to my health issues, I went to see a neurologist. After many different tests including heart tests, and blood work ups, the Dr. determined that everything seemed to be normal. He then mentioned that he thought it was possible that I had a mild Chiari Malformation. He said that he was still not convinced that this is what had been causing my migraines. He then changed my medication for the 3rd time. He decided at the last minute to refer me to a neurosurgeon. Thank goodness he did! Normally it takes at least 6 weeks to get into this Neurosurgeon, but miraculously they got me in 5 days later. Was Heavenly Father's hand in this? I know it was. Having 2 other friends who have been diagnosed with Chiari's  I already knew that brain surgery would be a good possibility. Panic and anxiety set in for the first couple of days. Then, after praying nearly all night long, I had a feeling of peace come over me, and suddenly I knew I needed to have this surgery. By the time it was time to see the neurosurgeon, I had already made the decision to have the surgery if that was what the doctor suggested. Sure enough! He told me to stop taking the other medication as it wasn't doing any good. After examining me, and my MRI he said that I had all of the symptoms of a Chiari Malformation. He said to me " your Chiari isn't the biggest I have ever seen , but it is large, and on a scale of 1-10 that yours is a easy 8.  He told me he thought I had a 95% chance of getting better if I did the surgery, but that he knew I would need some time to think about it. I had already made the decision and knew I had to do it, so minutes later I made an appointment for June 21st to have brain surgery. I continue to feel peaceful about this decision, and Steve also feels it is the right decision. I have also seen my children at ease with the decision. I feel so blessed that we were able to find out what was wrong and that this can be corrected. It's going to be interesting when I am all healed to see what my "Normal" really is. I am nervous, but more excited to not have the daily pain I have had.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Our babies are growing up.

Forget Judgement, Just Love

 The last two days have been ones of reflection for me. I think back on the last 8 years of being a foster parent, and what I have learned from that experience. I realized how much more understanding, and how much love I have had to give.  I have let go of the judgment I have often felt for the parents of these beautiful children that I was blessed to have come into our home. The parents may have abused their children in some way or another, but I never let myself see their lives through their eyes, until I saw them as A Child of God, and my brothers and sisters. They are Heavenly Fathers children just as I am. Why not stop judging, and see what I could do to help? Why not love them? Our Savior has said "As I have loved you , love one another."
 The children that have come from these abusive homes love their parents. Some of them would rather stay in a situation than to be taken away from someone that they love. This is all they know. Change is scary, and the unknown is even scarier. If these kiddos can love their parents even though they have hurt them, then I should be able to find some compassion for them as well. If a parent really wants to be a better, I am willing to do whatever I can to help in that process. I have also seen when a parent thinks that they are not capable of making changes, make the hard decision of giving up the rights to their children so they can have a better life. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to see. To watch a parent make that decision, is very hard. It is a very emotional thing for them to go through. It is the most unselfish act that they will have ever done for their child. I have so much respect for those parents. Yes, they have made some bad mistakes, but in the end they do what is right for their kids.
  Many of these parents have come from homes that were abusive, and just didn't know how to raise a child a different way. Many of them have started with severe pain which required a prescription pain killer, and had just become reliant on the prescription which led them to eventually look for a drug that was strong enough for them to feel like they could function as parents. Many of these are single moms. They are trying to provide for themselves and their children, struggling to make ends meet to keep food on the table, and a roof over their heads. If you add the normal stress of raising children to that, these moms become overwhelmed, and a feeling of hopelessness comes over them. Being a mom to 5 kids is stressful for me, and I have a supportive, and loving husband to help me. My husband works hard, but has always been able to provide for our family. I have never worried much about where our next meal is coming from. We have family close to us, and the support from our neighbor's, friends, and a wonderful ward family. Some of these struggling families have none of those things. The idea of looking like, and feeling like a failure may be a prideful attitude, but it is a real feeling for many of us, and for them. We all want to seem as if we are doing well. It's hard for us to show our weaknesses to others. I wish this wasn't the case, for I know that their is a lot of compassion, and much more support from each other, than we realize that  we could have. We all want to feel like supermom, and I believe we all are in different ways, so, why not do this together? Share our struggles, share our idea's, share with one another the good, and the bad. Share an uplifting thought, and be in tune with the spirit constantly so that you can be an instrument in His hands. People come into our lives from all different backgrounds. Chances are that someone has been through a situation that you are going through right now. That person may be a huge blessing to you just by the simple fact that they understand what you are going through. Let people help you, let them in, and let them love and help you through your good and bad times. I think if there was less judgment, and more love for our fellow men, that there would be not only less stress in life, and maybe, just maybe we would see less abuse, and a happier world.

Mosiah 4:15" But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another."